I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
