You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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