Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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