GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
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her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize