Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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