somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
