ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
