I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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