i think my tv is drunk
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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