I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
