Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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