If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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