why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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