Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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