I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize