well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't deserve a penis
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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