dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
