Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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