I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
