i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
accomplished twins. life is a go
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
