My friends, they love my intelligence
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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