i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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