you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
