So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
