What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And then my night got REAL pukey
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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