well you can't waste a boner
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
