True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
