I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
