this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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