His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
