I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
