Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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