I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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