I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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