I think I won the penis lottery.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
