I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
