No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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