Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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