my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
