The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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