Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
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All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
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no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.