I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
