btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
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My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
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I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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