What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
