It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
