Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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