btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The struggles of a small town man whore
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
