It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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