I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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