She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
