make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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