Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
