One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
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Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
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You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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