i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
