Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
